The Threat of a Pause

Given the evidence, I think it's safe to say I have too many things going on in life. Take this blog for example: I love writing, but I don't often seem to find the time to actually come here and post thoughts. It isn't that I don't have them or the desire to express them, but by the time I come home at night the last thing I seem to want to do is sit in front of the computer and write out what I've already surely expressed verbally all day - and probably much more proficiently.

I have, at least, finally transferred my favorite posts from my previous blog to this one, I kind of hate having thoughts in different places. Feel free to read and comment, afterall it may be new to you!


For those who didn't know, I have been rather sick of late. It's not a cold or cough. It's the kind of sick that could mean something is really wrong with you. My recent CT (Computed Tomography) turned up clear, and yet symptoms seem to persist. Guess that means I'm not super sick - or at least not with what they might have been expecting, but it does mean that they still don't know what's wrong with me. I guess they'll do more tests and we will see.


During this little span, I've had a little more time to think, and perhaps a little more prescence of mind to think as I have not been as driven by schedule and the necessities of this thing they keep telling me is "life." I keep wondering when the day will come when I accept their description without a scoff or juvenilesque retort.

But now that I have finally managed to slow down, the strangest thing seems to happen. There's so much I've been meaning to say, and I haven't the strength or the starting place to say it all. I guess that's the threat of a pause. Everything that's been swirling around starts to settle and you find out really quickly that there's a bit more than you guessed. Hopefully this summer will provide the energy, time and inspiration for good writing.

A Word on Why: The Who, the Why and the Whitherto Pt II.

There comes a time when any honest reflection reveals the failings and shortsightedness one is guilty of in his ventures. This blog is a second-try for me. I used to post (a long while ago) on another blog, http://sovereignjoy.blogspot.com, but after some time I really lost material and drive to continue that venture. So why make another blog then? I shall tell you:

If a mold doesn't quite fit the tool, what has to be done is a recasting of the mold. While I enjoy much of the work and thought I put into my previous blog, I recently became aware just how unlike me it really was to sit around and comment only on the "good" and expound only on what felt "right" to say. It would be a long tale, but to put it briefly it seems I have come full circle. I've got to be crazy to assume that I can express myself in any honest fashion and maintain this brittle facade of propriety and theological perfection. I had to be mad - out of my ever-loving mind - to think that such an attempt would be either successful or profitable long term.

So here it is: I don't know it all, I'll never know it all and the part of me that wanted to sound like I had an inside track has finally given in to the me that can't stand but to say what I really mean. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't dishonest - but I wasn't wholly open either. I think some part of me realized that critically minded Seminary Students (and maybe professors) would be reading my musings with fingers loaded and bones to pick, and I didn't really want to provoke their ire.

Well guess what... after a year here a little provoking may just be what the good Doctor ordered. That part about speaking the truth in love does afterall require speaking the truth! So the begenning of it might as well be about me; not about what I've got to offer - but confessing my truest state of affairs.

When you get right down to it, I'm not a righteous "I've got the answers all worked out" preacher boy. Far from it. So if you're reading a later post and getting steamed about something I just pointed out and you find yourself saying "who does this guy think he is?" Well, here's your answer: I'm nobody... At least nobody that deserves to say a word. The question is, do you think you are? If the "right" answer comes to mind then maybe we should sit down and talk about what we do know, and what we do believe - and here is what I do know: I haven't earned a darned thing. Not a one. I'm a sinner, once enemy of God on whom the wrath of God rested, destined for destruction that was earned, and entitled to nothing but damnation. I wasn't the righteous, Christian raised, Sunday School answer guy. I was the sick one, the dead one, the hostile one. Some days that old man still haunts me, but something (or should I say Someone) profound came in the meantime, took everything I owed and paid for it while simultaneously giving me an inheritance only He deserved. If there are any perceptions to the contrary, here's the admission d'grat. I'm not the righteous. Fact is, I know there aren't any who are. Some just need some convincing of that fact again; and the world needs to hear it from us all.

So why bother with a blog if that's the case? The mystery of the Gospel, in short. I wasn't the righteous and I don't produce it of my own merit now, but something I am, however, is Called. Called out, called to speak, called to love, called to pray, called to preach, called to exhort and called to praise, and that's the short list.

So here goes nothing. Lord have mercy!

Come and Play

It is a strange thing how removing oneself from the usual crowd and noise of life can put some things you're going through into heavy relief, like an embosser presses a flat and unordinary page into something recognizable, with shape, depth, structure and form. Solitude can make things that are buried in the lull brought on by the anesthetics of "daily routine" finally begin to seep to the surface and retain their feeling. This latest bout with solitude has certainly done that for me.
So what has come to the surface then? I suppose the chief realization is just how lonely things can - and have been - here. I've done what most folks do, joined and become active in a local church, I'm social as much as I can be, and generally I don't avoid conversations or "events" unless I've some pressing reason to do so. During my time alone, something from my youth came to mind that I haven't thought or felt in a very long time. When I was about five or six years old, my family lived in a rural house outside of Lamesa, Texas - between two cotton fields. I was an only child, out of reach of friends or their homes, and so I spent a good amount of time at home without playmates or entertainment in the form of company. My parents worked hard, and were often busy with the necessities of work. I was forced to be imaginative, to pretend and to play. I can remember one day, however, when I tired of being by myself. I made a couple of signs out of some white and construction paper; and on these signs I took some black and orange crayon (I was not yet an artist) and I scrawled in surely broken English and typical 5 year old form the words "I am lonely, someone come and play." I then proceeded to go outside near the road and march around, waiting for someone to answer. Of course, when my mother discovered what I was doing, she gave me a pretty deserved lashing.
In many ways, and on many days recently, I still feel somewhat like that boy with that sign around his neck, "I [am] lonely, someone come and play," waiting for someone to pull off that road, jump out and meet me. You see, I have this unfortunate quality that seems to silence discussion, or be the "last word" in the debate; even if (at the end) I turn out to be wrong. The reason is, I want people to engage in hard thoughts, to go with me and consider some of those harder points that are the answers to the “why” not just the “what’s” and “how’s” of life. Usually, when I start trying to go there in conversation with people, it gets silent, or they don’t see the value in such “heady” discussions. One of the latest was when I responded to a pastor with a simple question brought on by a sermon I had heard of his. I asked him if he thought the Christian was still totally depraved, to which he responded with a “yes.” I asked him this question because I happen to hold a different view, one that asserts our sinful and utterly corrupt flesh but who’s a new creation created for good works and hidden in Christ. I realize what Galatians 5 says, but it’s not a commentary on the whole of us in Christ, but those who are walking according to the flesh! Now, I really wanted to discuss this for this reason: The most miserable Christians (a lot of seminarians, too) I know seem to all believe that they’ll “get better” by constantly whacking themselves in the face and focusing on how bad they are. The worship leader, after this sermon, actually said “We need to consider and focus on how horrible we are.” I don’t advocate treating sin lightly, but isn’t our focus supposed to be the pearl of great value that is so wonderful that we would sell everything just to have it? Should we focus in Him instead of us… and let His kindness lead us to repentance and not just end it with “I am horrible, without hope?”
Why don’t we ask real questions of one another? And when we do, why do we go immediately into defensive mode rather than discussing and edifying one another. Does anyone wonder why “prayer” requests uttered in groups are often the last thing in the world people really need prayer about? Does anyone seem to think that “Christian responses” often are more rhetoric than believed truth or a real answer, and does anyone really wonder why the world absolutely rejects most common “Christian responses?” Why is most popular Christian media barely media and barely Christian anymore? Am I the only one who sees that, or is no one just going to come out and say “We really need help, this isn’t the way it should be?” Why do “we” often seem so disconnected, disenchanted and generally defeated? Why is compassion the last thing people usually see from us? Is doctrine really so hard and unnecessary for the average church-goer? Does it really not matter if God is absolutely sovereign or He isn’t as long as people say they love “Jesus?”
Or maybe I’m crazy, or too critical, or too theological, or to hard, or too concerned, or any of the other things people have said I’m too much of when I ask things like that? All I know is I don’t feel crazy, what I often feel is alone in my questioning. Just like that kid who’s dying for someone to pull off the road and take a few minutes to “play.” My time alone wasn’t the trip to a spiritual amusement park some have said it was for them, but it really pulled a layer of numb away and let me start asking those questions about myself. Where it goes, if any destination can be asserted, is anyone’s guess.

The Stars are Shouting

I have to confess, that I’ve had "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ" for several years now, and have read through it at least 3 complete times, with plucking through it about a year ago. This time around was not as great and revelatory as the first, but in reading it again some things have certainly been made fresh in my mind again and old truths were shown to be why they’ve been long confessed desires of mine. These longstanding truths are old friends with which I certainly am prone to fellowship less in busy times, and it is wonderful to sit down with them again.
To get into specifics, I suppose the first two chapters are far-and-away the ones that are so poignant with me, and why not? They serve as the premise of the book; that the Glory of God is the inescapable, unassailable and highest purpose for which everything, from pulsars to puppy-dogs exists. Being a guy that fancies astronomy and word pictures, the talk of laying down in the grass on a cool summer night and letting “the heavens declare the Glory of God” to me is a warm blanket to my soul in the midst of an environment is so often relegated to cerebral exercise to prevent sheer overload. What is even more provoking is the implied word picture conjured by the book of someone who has decided the Sun isn’t the center of the solar system and is angry that the sky does not move according to his perception. Ah! We are so very much like that man – so often confused, amiss, and at a loss (and angry) because the world doesn’t turn on our declared axis, but on Christ, around Christ, by Christ and for Christ! “Christ does not exist to make much of us, but we exist to enjoy making much of Him,” what a simply articulated but profound truth. That’s the kind of truth that can unseat the foundations of your world if they’re set on something less. The Glory of God is the center of our universe, and must be so if the Christian walk is to be one of Joy, and the Glory of God is Jesus – in Him the full weight of deity dwells.
Where this becomes more than mere recitation for me is in the fact that those truths were first echoed to me in a time where the prevalent attitude was much the opposite; where God was seen as a matchmaker, a simple helper, or a means and not the end. As I read through Seeing and Savoring this time, it made me look back at the “pile of rocks” back in that part of my past, and consequently the road that lead me here. In a strange way that I’m not able to articulate, that comforts me immensely. That Christ is indeed faithful when He claims to be, and that His mercy prevails even over the ugliest of sin or the darkest of seasons. The funny thing about that “comfort” is that it’s the kind of comfort you didn’t know you needed until you taste it. All things are subject to Christ, and there is nothing that exists that he has not conquered or claimed superiority over – including all the pain and loss that people close to me are enduring. I suppose I often feel like I’m having to plug twenty leaks in a dam with only ten fingers… and it is beautiful news to be reminded that not only are my hands not enough, but they were never meant to be “enough.”
If that doesn’t soften your heart when you get an eyeful, I don’t think anything will. When what is required of us is immense, it is life to really know that God is infinitely immense. That measure of solace I gain when I look up into that sky on cool summer nights gives me a similar sense… staring into something so vast and so unbridled, and realizing that it’s all been spoken into being by One immeasurably greater. And that One has walked on dusty roads amongst broken people, and is before us even today. That’s the kind of thing that’ll make men dream, pray, hope and wait. That’s the kind of thing that will make you sell everything you own - in your joy – just to have it. God help us to connect with that truth moment by moment. God help me – because the stars are shouting and often I won’t hear them.

Grounded by the Least of These

In life it's alarmingly easy to default to autopilot mode, where we perform our daily tasks and duties with not much care or troubled thought. Get up, take a shower, go to class, listen to professor, take notes, pay attention, go to next class, come home, read/watch news, do homework - on and on. It's a series of commands we follow in a program we've coded for ourselves to get us through the day without much effort. It's this thoughtless execution that makes us easy-to-lead, dutiful citizens that move society along at it's own pace. It's also this that numbs us to the needs and pains of those around us - when we see hurt, or pain, or death, or loneliness - we just click on our scheduled task and walk right by. I'm as guilty as any in this regard, and despite all of our best efforts it seems to be a ground level fault of living in our culture.

I guess I notice how broken this merciless fault is most when something pierces me and wounds me enough to break the "program" and make it shutdown. It takes something that grounds me - that clips my wings off and makes me land in the things I normally just fly right over without much of a thought. Something I've really noticed in the last year that is absolutely effective at this "grounding" is when I encounter someone who is one of "the least of these." You know those people you pass by, who just aren't as "lucky." You know the ones with an illness, or a disorder that makes them markedly different than "everyone else." The ones on the walkers, the bracers and in the chairs. The ones who have a hard time doing every day tasks, and who usually give more thanks for being able to do anything at all. It's the ones in the beds, on the machines and in stale rooms under florescent lighting - those who know what it is to suffer and go on. They really know the gravity that's part of living in a fallen world.
Recent circumstances have put me in proximity to such a person, and every time I am around him I am cut down to the floor. There's something about it that makes me face myself and how often I am morbidly obsessed with myself. In the droning on of Seminary life, it's easy just to engage the material and never engage yourself honestly. If we never face ourselves, how can we truly know our own depravity and truly repent - and if we cannot do that, how can we really be Christ's? The simple answer for me is terrifying and yet wonderful: We can't. Maybe that's why Jesus points to them when He talks about real, saving faith.
Most moments I can't imagine what such an inescapably difficulty would do to me, but recently I've had things turn out more difficult than I would have imagined, and I've got to say, I'm not looking to the "strong" folks for encouragement and examples of perseverance. I'm looking to the "least of these." Watching them grounds me, humbles me, and puts me in a place that I haven't quite got figured out yet. Maybe it's solace, or strength. Maybe it's that the air down here has a richness and fragrance that gets thin when I'm back on top. One thing's for sure however, when I am here, I don't want to leave.

It's so easy to make Christ into this figure who's got all the answers, and none of the scars. But He has the scars - and that's something I'm starting to really know. He knows loneliness and betrayal, He knows the hurt and the loss, He is acquainted with the weight of both grief and glory - yet in all of it He did not sin.

I have often craved a visual medium in which I could express what I feel when I get cut down to the ground. It makes my faith one that's real, not just "right." What would such a work look like if we really remained so close to the real heart of things? Perhaps it would be a painting full of broken people serving other broken people; who forge ahead despite death or life, or angels or rulers, trials now or to come, or powers, or heights nor depths, or anything in creation toward the beautiful end for which we were called; our Lord and His Glory - a glowing yet gossamer standard that flows above all of our heads. I don't know if I even have the vision to capture the feeling, and oh how I wish I could. The Body is a strikingly beautiful thing. I imagine that if we visibly bought into what we were selling, most of the distracting things we get pulled into might just lose their appeal. I pray that I am constantly afforded eyes that “re-see” the things I would normally just pass by, and a spirit that remains grounded by “the least of these.” Lord knows I need it.

… Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him. 9 But we see him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.
10 For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. 11 For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one origin. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers, 12 saying, "I will tell of your name to my brothers; in the midst of the congregation I will sing your praise."
13 And again, "I will put my trust in him." And again, "Behold, I and the children God has given me."
14 Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, 15 and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. 16 For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. 17 Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. 18 For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

~Hebrews 2:8b -18

The Miserable, Mimicking, Magnificent, Non-Meritorious Me

The following is an entry to my Personal Spiritual Disciplines Class...

When someone is asked to give an account of their life I often wonder how that request can be answered in any brief but accurate summation. Perhaps I lack the skill, or the genius of brevity it requires. Needless to say this will be an attempt to do so.

As a child I was not a part of a very “religious” family. My dad was a divorcee, and in our denomination (Church of Christ) this was considered a matter of unrepentant sin – thus he was twice pressured out of attending church. My mother is a faithful and noble woman, and chose to stay home on Sundays with my dad rather than go alone. Suffice to say, some of my father’s reticence and hostility to the “church life” passed on to me. This found it’s apex in my late teens, particularly around the age of 17. I was a professed Agnostic, as much as I understood such to be, and I was a hostile one at that – particularly against Christianity. The years of struggle for significance and meaning had left me a young cynic, generally bored with most things my peers found entertaining. I was popular, athletic, and smarter than average. My junior year in high school began what I like to call “my great decline.” For a period of about nine months, I suffered loss upon loss, from grandparents having strokes and becoming shells of who they once were to tearing up my knee playing football – a tragedy to a male teen in Texas. Girlfriends and relationships went haywire, and the more a tried to fix things or cling to them the more I lost. I was subjected to what felt like absolute futility at the time. I certainly had no idea what was about to happen.
I met some girls from a nearby small town, Christian girls… cute Christian girls. In fact they were so surprisingly cute (one in particular) that I (along with a friend) decided to forego the usual “I hate Christians” mantra and investigate them further. I ended up pretending to be someone I wasn’t for about three months, until one sacredly devastating moment while sitting in an Algebra II class. I suddenly realized that I liked the person I was pretending to be more than the guy I really was. This dissonance between the facade I was pretending to be and the reality of who I was began a chain reaction. I was unsettled more than I had ever been. Conversations lost their intrigue, friends lost their appeal, and typical teen mischievousness lost its flavor. My best friend at the time, asked me to betray the girl I was dating (the cute Christian one) by lying to a friend of hers, and I refused. He, being the more charismatic of the two of us, persuaded most of my other “friends” to isolate me and choose his “side.” I became an outcast from my own circles, and my popularity waned. The Christian girl I had been dating, (and trying not to lie to) felt the Lord insisting her to distance herself from me soon thereafter. Idol after idol, affection after affection and love after love fell to ruin until every thing I would have previously used to identify my “life” was gone or against me. For about a week I sat around sulking, wondering what would end my misery and isolation. A couple of the girls from that neighboring small town invited me to go to an Youth Evangelism Conference, and I refused for about a week until finally relenting to get them to stop pestering me. Strangely enough, the trip had been booked completely, and they’d recently had a girl drop out at the last minute. I went in her pre-paid place.
I remember sitting there, watching a body of 25,000 some-odd people my age singing – with a joy I didn’t have and knew I couldn’t fake. At that moment, it was as if a brick had fallen off the rafters and hit me in the chest. I fell to the ground and sobbed – something not common for me at the time. Some speaker came out and gave some mildly amusing message, but I was still on the floor sobbing, causing somewhat of a scene I suppose.
The speaker gave an invitation, and I made my way forward before he’d finished giving it. A counselor found me, and began praying with me – finally telling me to open my heart and open my mouth and let it go. I closed my eyes, and asked two questions: “Are You there?” and, “Are You who they say You are?” To make a long situation short, I got a “Yes” on both questions, and then I really “let it go.” Years of sin, brokenness and need were confessed and immediately I felt a sense of presence and peace. It seemed as though the whole world had been painted in new colors. It was June 25th, 1998, and on that concrete floor the former me had finally died. I was acutely aware that I was instantly different - and I was not alone.
That road has not been easy, but it has absolutely been good. As it always does, time passed and I grew in the Lord. My senior year of High School came to a close, and new chapters began. He grew me to increasingly love Scripture, and as I entered into my freshman year of college, I started seeking opportunities to help with youth. I volunteered at my local church and received my first taste of how some ministries function. Though at the time I was hard to it, this is when I can first discern the Lord beginning to call me into the ministry.
I soon transferred to Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, Texas and began pursuing a career in communication. The curriculum there was engaging, and I improved in my writing and speaking abilities. Despite this, I became increasingly dissatisfied with a profession that seemed a good fit for me. The reasons were not clear. It progressed to such a point that I finally acknowledged the possibility that God was calling me into vocational ministry. This was especially awkward because being a pastor-type never held much appeal for me prior to this. I began fasting and praying, trying to draw near God and discern His intentions. For two weeks this went on, and indeed the Lord made things clear. My primary passion, the pursuit of Christ, would become my primary vocation! At the realization of this, I was overjoyed. In addition, I felt the Lord leading me away from MSU in pursuit of this calling, thus I began seeking out other schools. I finally landed at Hardin-Simmons University, in Abilene. Were it not for my holding in the sovereignty of God, this is a choice I would often question in hindsight.

Hardin-Simmons was, to put things mildly, the most desperate and dark time of my life. It did not start out that way. When I first arrived as a junior, I had high hopes. To study Scripture intently and to grow in the knowledge of God for your class credit! What a privilege!

The reality became apparent very soon. For all of its promise, my time at the Logsdon School of Theology at HSU was filled with frustration and personal turmoil. In many classes, the study of theology seemed less of an objective look at Scripture and more of an agenda-filled indoctrination. It was not uncommon to run against Pelagianism, Open-Theism, and Universalism on a daily basis from the professors. The anti-Reformed rhetoric was intense as well. Hardin-Simmons is a BGCT-supported school, and many staff grumbled about the “conservative resurgence” every time the opportunity came. Despite all the vitriol, agenda, and pretense, there were some good things. The Lord developed me in a speaking capacity, providing several opportunities over the next few years to speak in a variety of places. I was active in Baptist Student Ministries and extremely active in the church I became a member of there. What is most dear to me about this period of time is that I learned to cling to, revere, and love the Word of God. Scripture became a life-blood for me in a way I never knew possible, largely because of the daily need to counter what was being taught in my classes. At HSU I saw the danger of "unity at any price" firsthand, along with the death it sows in its wake. I became a defender of the Church, and a polemicist as I saw many of the things being taught in places like Logsdon taking root in area churches. In truth I suppose I developed the heart of a reformer.

I finally graduated and took a year of hiatus from school in my hometown, where I did some substitute teaching. A bit over a year ago, a friend of mine asked me to visit Southern with him, and I was immediately aware that this was the next place for me. As I have spent my short time here, it has served as an immense example of His graciously giving me all things that I could not possibly merit. That is my story in brief thus far; from a miserable teen and mimicking girl-chaser to one who is personally acquainted with –and adopted into - the source of majesty and beauty, all the while being keenly aware that I deserve little of it.

No, Virginia.

Okay, I don't usually go for the sort of "copy something from the world and change it to be Christian," type of art... But I was sitting in SysTheo II this last evening and we were discussing the absolute self-sufficientcy of God - that He is absolutely and infinitely satisfied in Himself and has no need for anything, namely us - and this image popped into my head. So I scrambled home after class, broke out my dear friend Photoshop, and this is what I came up with.

I hope you get a laugh out of it, and maybe a bit of exhortation.

I'm a What?

You scored as Reformed Evangelical. You are a Reformed Evangelical. You take the Bible very seriously because it is God's Word. You most likely hold to TULIP and are sceptical about the possibilities of universal atonement or resistible grace. The most important thing the Church can do is make sure people hear how they can go to heaven when they die. Reformed Evangelical 79% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 68% Neo orthodox 68% Fundamentalist 50% Emergent/Postmodern 32% Classical Liberal 29% Charismatic/Pentecostal 29% Modern Liberal 12% Roman Catholic 7% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com Well I suppose that about figures :)

Joy Afterall

Since this blog is supposed to be some sort of reckoning of joy, and not a mere sounding board for my own hot air, I thought I would share a little something (well she used to be little at least) that brings me a lot of joy.

We got her out of a cardboard box from a Wal-Mart parking lot, amidst a fuzzy bundle of siblings on a cold December morning. It may sound silly to say so - but our finding her was absolutely providential and a grace for which we give thanks every day.

We had been looking for a puppy, with a general idea of what we were looking for. Border Collie, Sheltie, or Collie - something with intelligence and expression. Of course, in Abilene at the time it was hard to find a great dog if you were picky - and we were picky. A couple of days of looking passed, with nothing to show for it except the fading enthusiasm at the chance to get a puppy and raise it. Jen and I had just about given up the "local" hunt, when we happened to look in an aging phonebook for a shelter we hadn't seen or previously visited. We found one, or so we thought.

Turns out it was closed - and a vet's office had taken up residence in the meantime. We walked in, sighed, and began to walk out. A rather nice woman asked us if we could be helped, and we told her our story (and apparent mistake in coming to their office) and what we were looking for in a breed. Then, to our amazement and great joy, the woman replied by saying - "there was someone in here trying to get rid of some Border Collie/Collie mix puppies earlier, I think she said she was going to go to Wal-Mart." Immediately we headed off.

There's a few things you know about a person who's as close to you as Jennifer is to me. One of those "things" is a certain look Jen has when she lays eyes on something for which there can be no use in talking her out of. When we arrived at Wal-Mart and shyly plodded our way over to that humble box and peered over the edge, only to be met by an eager velvet-covered face followed by a "mighty" 3.4 pound puffball body, it's an understatement to say that Jen had one of those "looks" of unshakable decision.

That "puffball" is about 60 pounds now, 2 years later and never for a moment have we considered it a mistake, bother, or coincidence that we ended up with her. As a Seminary student, it's easy to get enraveled in the hard "issues" and doctrinal concepts and forget the sweet and simple measures of grace we are afforded more than occasionally. Dark and uncertain days are certain to come, and we're promised no end to that reality this side of eternity. Where shall we find joy? In Christ, of course! But what do we mean when we say that. One could say much when asked, but for me it's in the small blessings and in the everyday grace we are afforded that the Christian may find the earmarks of the careful and loving leading of the only One who can satisfy our thirsting souls with living water.

I know people who ramble on about running to the ends of the earth to be "happy." People ruin and leave marriages for no good reason, chase after acclimation upon acclimation to no end, wander from job to job and squander riches on every comfort that can be peddled. I don't mean to sound insensitive to people who are caught in the desperate search for significance and fulfillment, but I've come to a place where such prattle bores me.

You carve dead idols and wonder why you feel dead serving them? We become like who we serve. Serve what is dead and you will reap death - pursue One who is Life and you will reap life. That doesn't mean it's every really easy, but it's nonetheless true.

What in the world does my beautiful dog have to do with this latest tirade? Notice I didn't ever say she makes me "happy," I said she brings me "joy."

She brings me joy because she's not the end of the process. It's Who that silly dog makes me turn to and see, thank, and know. If not for that, Nali would be nothing more than yet another distraction (albeit a cute one) in an increasingly crowded life. She would entertain for certain, but not bring joy. Why? Because Joy isn't hers to give. And it's not anyone or anything else's to give either. Not husbands, not puppies, not video games or cars or ice cream or a better paycheck or food or sleep or more friends or alcohol or books or movies or BattleStar Galactica, or music or security or a new SUV. Joy isn't theirs to give, and it's not yours to create for yourself. Those things won't save you from a life of desperate flailing at "the next best thing." Nothing will. Death from death - life from Life.

The question for the thirsty is - "Why continue to draw from a well you know to be dry?" Why look for joy anywhere but where it is guaranteed? Do you want to be entertained, or do you want to be satisfied? Do you want to be amused, or do you want to be Saved? Do you want to be "happy" or do you want Joy? Don't like that line of questioning? Sorry, but I've had my fill of this inane "happy" talk we hear so much from the talking heads and the talk show hosts and most of the unregenerate saps who write "romantic" comedies. We're desperately in need for someone to clear the air on the differences between "happy" and having joy afterall.

I think I know Who I'll listen to.

"Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters;and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live;and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David. Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander for the peoples. Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know, and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you.

'Seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts;let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon'"

Isaiah 55:1-7

All who fashion idols are nothing, and the things they delight in do not profit. Their witnesses neither see nor know, that they may be put to shame.

Isaiah 44:9

Vanity vs. Virtue

Living here in Louisville's been an experience thus far. Basically, it's starting all over and having to reassemble a life in a completely new place. One of these areas that is of great importance but I'm finding to be amazingly difficult is finding a church! Now you'd think that being Louisville, the seemingly veritable seat of evangelical conservatism that it would be reasonably easy to find a church to commit to, work within, and rejoice in. For what it's worth, so did I. Maybe I'm either unlucky, too picky, or otherwise inhibited from finding such a place here thus far, but it's been really hard to do so. It begs the question, "why?" Why is it so difficult for me to find a church that just seems to fit? Admittedly it could be that "I'm just too picky," but I don't honestly think that's it. So what then is the problem? Boiled down, I'm becoming increasingly more convinced that it's a problem of vanity and it's conflict with true virtue. Vanity, Vanity... ... and we're great at preaching it. Has it ever occurred to anyone the senseless nature of preaching that focuses on a problem of humanity in a moral context to which those who are His (by the Holy Spirit) are usually already aware? We preach against sin with such a drive - which isn't bad in itself - but we do so in a manner that is completely incomplete. What do I mean incomplete? So many of the sermons I hear - even in the so called "conservative" churches are so man centered and full of vanity its a wonder they grow at all. Here's an example. Last week myself and three other Texan "Theo-Refugees" went to a "conservative" church (that will remain nameless) and watched a man preach what I will call one of the most vain and man-centered sermons I have ever seen. It was loosely based on the an assortment of Scripture, and it's main intent was to get us to "declare our independence from sin and from bad behavior." Again and again throughout the service, the emphasis was on what we needed to do to be free from problems and how we could achieve all we could have in freedom from these things; (in a corporate-model, goal-oriented fashion I might add.) Ick. Where to start... I was so grieved by the end of this tragedy that I could barely speak. So we're to declare independence from sin and that's it? Find what's wrong and make a self-centered, driven, committed effort to change it? Oh Help us Please Lord. During the service a line kept going through my head, "The virtues of Christ are enough!!!" I don't want to stand up in my pew in all my arrogance and say "I CAN!" in unison with equally devastated people. That's not what cleanses me, restores me, or encourages me. If ever there were a more antithetical sentiment to the Gospel express from the pulpit I dunno what it is! And it's rampant - from church to church to church you can go and hear the same thing: "be good, be moral, God will help you but it's up to you to make yourself into what you need to be." Oh what death is this! Effectively this serves as a divorce from God in a pursuit of righteousness - and it makes such a pursuit our own. It doesn't matter how many "by Grace's" or "Through Faith's" you throw into the declaration. The vocabulary matters very little at all when the result is simply telling people to stand up, do it better, try harder, commit more, you can do it, etc... All that does is prop us up on our own and further harden our resolve to fix ourselves. It leads to legalism, self reliance, pride and ultimately death. Moral, righteous, "Godly" acts are of absolutely NO value when pitted against the unsearchable righteousness, untainted Glory, incomparable worth, and unmitigated joy of Christ. And Virtue? Consistently through Scripture we are afforded the idea of human decrease. And as a disclaimer, proof text fans, I will not be doing exegesis during this entry, so if it's not readily apparent that what I am about to say is 1000% biblical teaching, do the digging on your time. You'll have a lot of material, I promise. So where was I? Ah, human decrease... We by nature seem to mess things up. So the skeptic would say to me "then you think we should preach softly?" By no means, but we should preach completely. The call isn't to stiffen your upper lip and forge ahead in your "independence." It's to fall on the floor and admit you can't. It's to die to one's self, to look upon Our beautiful Jesus and be so compelled by His beauty, by His righteousness, by His incomparable value to sell all we own so that we may have Him as treasure. Human virtue is an oxymoron - to to pursue it would be by definition striving after wind- vanity. Some will say this is placating to emotions. To those I would challenge to show me a man who passionately pursues joy in Christ who makes a bad husband. Where is the woman who has dipped her hand in the sweet fountain of living water who settles for meager drinks of sex and selfishness? Where is the teen that would rather submit to popular culture than proclaim the life-bringing Gospel of Grace and Beauty with every fiber of his being? I submit that such people do not exist. They do not exist because any that would haven't tasted the richest of fair. I get tired of saying it, but not so tired that I will cease; We were not "saved" to be moral. We were justified to enjoy Jesus and resonate His Glory. We are not called to forge ahead in our own self-determined independence, but to depend, to hide, and to be transformed by Him. It is arrogance alone that would differ from this assertion. It is understandable that some fear a lazy church - backsliding, morally empty and culturally dictated. Is not the Church Christ's Bride? Were we not secured for Him by Him? Are His virtues not efficient in washing us in the water of His Word? Perhaps He needs us? Arrogance - and leading to frustration, grinding, and death. A hard heart can still do miracles but they still end in Hell. Oh for churches that preach completely! To the objectors who think that morality should be our chief concern and that such talk from me or anyone else from the pulpit would leave us morally bankrupt and un-glorifying to God, on top of what I have already said to you, I leave you with this: Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. Now if the ministry of death, carved in letters on stone, came with such glory that the Israelites could not gaze at Moses' face because of its glory, which was being brought to an end, will not the ministry of the Spirit have even more glory? For if there was glory in the ministry of condemnation, the ministry of righteousness must far exceed it in glory. Indeed, in this case, what once had glory has come to have no glory at all, because of the glory that surpasses it. For if what was being brought to an end came with glory, much more will what is permanent have glory. Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
~2. Corinthians 3:4-18

The Postmodern Pied Piper

The tune plays on, and on we whip and whirl down a road that leads to a place both "strange and new." On and on we go till we're hidden away like the rest behind the door of irrelevancy. Some laud it, some cheer it, others quietly accept it and others couldn't be bothered to notice it. We should - Christians should. I like a quote I heard once from ( I believe) a Dr. Thomas R. Schriener, though I confess the specific source escapes me at the moment. While probably misquoting him (which I hate doing) the general message was:
One cannot be postmodern and be Christian, you may very well be "postmodern" and hold to some confession of belief, but it cannot be a Christian confession.
And he's absolutely right. But convince the average mid-size (or larger) contemporary church of that. When I was doing my undergrad - Christian Ministry - we were encouraged to look to the culture to determine how best to form our approach to scripture, how to determine relevant truth, and base our scriptural conclusions on how the culture we're in is viewing things at the time. Now, before you agree... Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Instead of starting with the Bible, instead of starting at the sound doctrine of 2000 years of the objective view of truth and scripture - I should look to culture FIRST when determining "what is relevant truth" to a people! Now I'm not referring to exporting our American version of Christianity, I'm talking about what helps someone determine what is truth - and there are apparently many "scholarly" people out there bent on redefining what the ultimate source of truth is. That teaching is, and those that prescribe it are 'anaqema' - for those lest Greek inclined, it's accursed, damned, submitted to God for judgment. Anathema. Ouch! How can you say that Bob? We're not supposed to judge! " I am amazed that you are so quickly deserting Him who called you by the grace of Christ, for a different gospel; which is really not another; only there are some who are disturbing you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed! As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed! " -Galatians 1:6-9 Want Islam and Christianity to worship the same god? Sure! Want God to be no more knowledgeable, no more able than you? Okay! Want Salvation to be 50% willpower and 50% grace? Sure *cough - Pelagian - cough* Okay, enough dramatics. Church, ecclesia - You who have been called from darkness and transferred into light - you know well who you are. If you live in North America, this fight is certainly before you. The time for falling back on anecdotes and "nice and churchy" colloquialisms is over. I am ashamed there ever was a time that they were tolerated. I'm not a defeatist, and I am certainly no optimist either. I don't think we've got a mandate biblically to be either. What I do know - is that there are churches and seminaries, bible schools and bible studies, purpose books and prosperity preachers all more interested in topical, milky, exhortation light messages intent on having you continue to trot to the tune of the postmodern pied piper. "Don't confront! Don't upset! Don't rebuke and Don't you fret! Teach away your happy tales and leave alone the Word that impales!" The Gospel - the real one - is sharp. It rends, and cuts, and cleaves the people of God from the rest of the world. It is divisive, it is afflicting, and it's not meant to merely make us comfortable. The fact that the "church" largely seeks to find what is relevant from culture is a testament to the grim reality that indeed the tickling of the ear is more important that the piercing of the heart to many. So where is this going? I cannot really tell you, except that I pray earnestly that your heart is burdened for the Bride of Christ. We dine so often in this culture on a perceived "spiritual buffet." Some have actually spun that like it was good - a precarious tune to hear indeed. There's another word for it, if you ask me. Idolatry. May You cause our hearts to dwell richly in Your word. May You make us stay, and fight, and fight to be renewed by it!. Christ rend our hearts and expose the soft and painful parts. Pierce our minds and cleave away our thought that anything else than you can satisfy. Make us walk in a might that does not wait to be asked but that attacks things we know to be deception and vice. Align us to Your will, and as always make the Glory of Your Name be the obsession that moves us to really live! Give us fists to fight, and make us love Your word so that we've weapons forged for that very purpose. -For Your Glory, May it be so.

When the Grass Really Is Greener

Well, it has indeed been awhile, and much has transpired since my last report on this particular blog. I got accepted to Southern, and am now living in Louisville! And in brief, the grass really is greener up here. Of course I don't just mean that literally, as the grass can get quite brown in Texas this time of year, but as an analogy of life-change.

Lots of changes and lots of un-learning are to come. Expect more blogs to come!

Lord, Help Me Believe!

Now for some honesty. I am in the application process for entering The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary - and it's not an easy season for me. When I attended Hardin-Simmons for my undergrad, I had such high hopes for growing in theological education in general. Now if you didn't know, my opinion (shared by a larger community) is that HSU's Logsdon School of Theology is a very "freely academic" institution. The other word I would use less carefully is "liberal." In my time at HSU I had to battle Pelagianism, Humanism, Open-Theism, Relativism and Universalism (to name a few) submitted by Theology professors as acceptable belief and practice. It was frustrating, wasteful, woeful, and heartbreaking just about every day. By the way, to those who might come across this blog and beg to differ about those viewpoints with me, let me save you the energy of debate with a simple word on my perspective: No. To my shame, I honestly let it get to me. The first semester in wasn't so bad, but with each successive semester I became increasingly disgruntled and shortsighted. I argued with professors on previously universally accepted tenets of orthodoxy and biblical merit (like the foreknowledge of God) often. Classes were devoid of joy and edification, unless it was a negative reaction from the garbage that was being thrown out. To be fair, there were gems in that hard landscape - some things that I got out of that all that made it tolerable - but on the whole it was a very difficult place to want to grow in ministry. To compound this, I started having rather pervasive health issues - migraines, severe allergies, and all the associated complications. Throw in a absurdly trying relationship -that the Lord orchestrated - and you have a mixture for calamity when it comes to one's "Academic Performance." My grades dropped, I was exhausted constantly, and I was held over the precipice for what seemed like ages. It was the darkest, hardest, loneliest, most eroding best thing in my life. It was horrible, but it I can't honestly I could trade it for an easier path. came to adore scripture, rest in God's grace and ultimate control - and I learned to plead for Him. You know (or maybe not) those late nights where you just pound your fist against the floor and can't even fashion words more than "mercy... Oh please have mercy." There were a lot of nights like that. There's a line in the song "Table for Two" that says "... And You know the plans that you have for me; And You can't plan the ends and not plan the means." Another theological way of saying it is, "The heavy door swings on small hinges." For Job, it means "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." For a psalmist it meant "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory Because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth. Why should the nations say, 'Where, now, is their God?' But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases. " On and on it goes. For me it goes like this too. Sometimes brutal, sometimes gossamer; sometimes with dancing, sometimes with sobbing; always beautiful. Here's the honest part. I am once again confronted with the reality of present circumstances. Here I am, with a decidedly spotty academic record, waiting to be accepted into what can only be characterized as my dream school. It feels so right, so rich and promising. There is much that seems on the line, my relationship of 2 years, my heart, my further education, my career possibilities, many of my close friendships - the list is intimidating. It's hard to trust, make no mistake... It's very hard to believe when you've got a brain like mine that loves little details and is not given over easily to floating optimism. This quirk normally keeps me grounded, humble - but of late it's kept me kind of anxious. If I don't get in to Southern, it's fundamentally back to square one with much of my life. Relationship, future, place, friends, congregation, and home - a pretty "all in" bet if you're playing Texas Hold'Em. When my head pleads with my heart, "You know you live in the Father's House, trust!" and my heart shudders with wanderings like, "What if?" and "What about?" I have to go back to pleading, "I don't deserve it, I can't earn it, I can't control it, please... please do Your will and help me Love it." I am not often scared, but I think it's safe to say I am now. The other part of that is that my Theology would cover it, wouldn't it? Some of the more antagonistic would certainly use that as a weapon to attack. What can I say, understanding and practice are not often equally yoked. So in all of this, my confession of late has been pretty simple. I need grace to either believe He's have me at Southern, or I need the grace to trust Him in the event that 90% of my life's familiarities change right in front of me. Either way grace is what I desperately need, and either way I find myself in the same position as the father in Mark 9:22, who said to Jesus about his tormented son; "But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" The response is great. "And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes." Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief." I do believe Lord, Help my unbelief. That's pretty much it.

Fine Words From a Friend

I'm not normally one to plug bands and whatnot, but after borrowing my girlfriend's copy of "I See Things Upside Down" by Derek Webb - I've gotta pass some of it along. Those that know me are aware of some of my criticism of North American popular "Evangelicalism." So when a talented guy like Derek Webb comes along and expresses the same sentiment in a way I wouldn't be able to, it feels quite nice. So, since I am short on time, and the words are good - here's a little bit of lyrics from a song entitled "Ballad in Plain Red" from our friend Derek Webb.
ballad in plain red(words and music by derek webb)
i’m robbing peter, i’m paying paul \ i’m changing my name back to sau \ i got to them and you know i’ll get to you... i’m turning shepherds into sheepand \ leaders into celebrities \ it’s holy sabotage, just look around you...
chorus
‘cause everything’s for sale in the 21st century \ and the check is in the mail from the 21st century
don’t want the song i want a jingle \ i love you Lord but don’t hear a single \ and the truth is nearly impossible to rhyme... but i know the songs with all the hooks \ and i know some lies that will sell some books \ so grab ‘em fast, i’m running outta time... just keep selling truth in candy bars \ on billboards and backs of cars \ truth without context, my favorite of all my crimes...
chorus
bridge what works verses what's right / hey what's the difference tonight?
take out the sign, forget the meal \ we’ve got a gym and a farris wheel \ i swear it's just like the country club down the block... ‘cause you can make your life look good \ you can do what Jesus would \ but you’d be surprised what you can do with a hard heart...
chorustag
i think you’ve got trouble in the 21st century / so welcome to the struggle, it’s the 21st century / i never thought i’d make it to the 21st century / Lord, i love the 21st century
i write these words from the grave \ ‘cause it’s the only place that i’m safe \ and only the dead are permitted to speak the truth...
(Speaks for itself, doesn't it?)